Can Faith and Grief Coexist?

Over the last 10 years I have struggled with my faith here and there but never as hard as I struggled after I lost Jaxin. I had always been a faithful person. I believe in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. After Jaxin though, it all came crashing down. Everything I had ever known or believed was put into question.

Is God real?

Why would he let this happen?

If he loved me He would have saved my baby?

Then the really dark stuff came… first is was anger. I was mad at God and I didn’t care who knew it. I don’t think I ever outwardly said that to anyone except one person, but I’m pretty sure I made it known through my grief. I didn’t want to go to church, I asked to be released from my calling at church, I cried ever single Sunday. It was the worse day of the week for me, it was a day for family time and my family had been taken away from me- by God.

BUT- Did I go to church? Yup. Did I like it? Nope. Hated every. single. moment of it. But I went. Got my sorry tush out the door every week. It sucked, but I went. Now, looking back I am so dang proud of that sad, heartbroken girl- she’s a hero in my book. (Tooting my own horn over here!)

Next the anxiety came. This caused so much damage to my mental health. I had such bad anxiety that I couldn’t even let my husband walk to get the mail without saying my eternal goodbyes before he left. Driving in the car was a no. Grocery shopping, forget about it. Normal tasks were a no go for me for a good solid 3 months. Then I landed a job at the very company my husband worked for, and my desk happened to be 50 feet from his. (Enter major God moment here). We drove to work everyday together, ate lunch together, drove home together. It was awesome. I put my grief on the back burner and learned how to do this new job, it definitely helped take my mind off the grief. It worked for almost a year. Then my grief caught up with me. I ended up quitting my job and watched Parenthood (all the seasons) and sat in my little apartment while my husband went to work everyday. I think I apologized to him every. single. day for months. I felt useless. I didn’t have a baby to keep me at home as a SAHM and I couldn’t work because I was so depressed.

Depression then enters the chat and it hit like a Mack truck. Wham! It leveled me, bulldozed the shi+ out of me. I got on an anti-depressant and toyed around with different ones till I found the right one, and that helped a lot but the anxiety still lingered, like a bad ex that wouldn’t leave me the eff alone.

The next little while is a bit foggy now. I tried to go back to substitute teaching (what I was doing before I had Jaxin) but being with the kids was hard, even though I once loved it.

I basically became a stay at home mom without the kid. So depressing. But thank the Lord I had a good husband that despite his grief he supported me. He pulled me through. he kept my head above water for the next little while.

A short time later, I was asked to take on a new calling at my church. It was called Compassionate Service Leader and basically the role is to coordinate meals for women after they have their baby and offer assistance for funerals. I was in shock. I think I said “So you want me to do babies and funerals?” I don’t what made me say yes, but I did. And I kid you not that was my favorite calling I had ever had. I loved every single moment of it. I loved serving people. This calling taught me that my struggles and grief could help people because I had learned empathy.

This is where I saw God, in service to those around me.

God never ever left me alone, or abandoned me. But my anger sure caused a disconnect from Him. For years I was mad. I held that anger so close to my heart because I felt like it was the only thing keeping me together, like some sort of angry glue and if I let it go, I’d fall apart all over again. But one day many years later I could not hold the anger any more and I prayed out loud.. “Heavenly Father please take this from me, I can’t hold it anymore.” And instantly those bricks of anger, resentment, pain, confusion- all left. It was a miracle. My miracle. He proved to me in that moment that He never left me, but that He was simply waiting for me to be ready for Him to do the heavy lifting.

I am so glad I prayed that prayer. It changed everything. I was able to forgive my OBGYN and the nurses. I began to heal. And… it only took me 3.5 years. (sigh) Sometimes, I think of the time I wasted being angry. But I wouldn’t change anything, not really. I mean I learned I am way stronger than I thought I was.

God is SO good. Especially in the hard times. He is so aware of you. He was aware of me. He knew who to send and when to send them. He looked out for us. He waited for me and when I was ready He took over and did what I couldn’t do without Him.

Grief and faith can coexist. Let them coexist. You have my permission to be angry or have all the feelings. But when you’re ready let God do the heavy lifting. Don’t give up on your faith. He waiting for you.

Grief is the price we pay for love and that love comes from our Savior and Redeemer. Full circle.